Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
