I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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