Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
