I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I want to be your penis for a week.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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