You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
