So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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