Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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