God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
