i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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