The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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