she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
