woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
