I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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