The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
