great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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