you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
