which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
