we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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