____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
