He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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