I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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