girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
