But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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