at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
