I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
