I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I see more hoeing in ur future
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
