Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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