Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
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The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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