I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
