My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
