Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
