So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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