I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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