u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
