Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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