I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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