We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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