three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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