Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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