Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex on a dog bed..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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