I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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