Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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