my mouth tastes like poor choices
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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