you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
