So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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