Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I need a beard to bite.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
