Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
