You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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