I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
