Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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