My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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