I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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