I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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